Yesterday

My mind was in Haiti all day....with mothers and fathers, children and loves, brothers, sisters, people of every sort, caught fast in the trenches of heartache and suffering. I tried several times to write a post about regular, everyday things, but nothing would come and I decided to go with that instead. A moment of silence of sorts. Instead I spent the day being deeply and fully grateful for the simple, but oh so powerful, blessing of being able to hold each and every member of my little family on that day and everyday.

If you have the means please consider finding a way to help. For many that would mean a monetary donation to an organization like Doctors Without Borders. For others finding a way to help means something else entirely. Whatever it means to you, I hope that you'll take the time to do what you can.

Today I was going to try to pick up the thread of every day life, but, for whatever reason, I can't seem to get on to flickr (is it just me?), so....maybe tomorrow? Either way, I think that by the end of the weekend I'll have a little announcement to make.

Taking a little break...

Just for a couple of days while we finish up preparations for the party this weekend. I should be back Monday with still more Christmas posts and lots of birthday posts too!

Enjoy your weekend folks!

2009

A New Chapter

Well, we've arrived, more or less safely and soundly, at the threshold of our new life.

Màiri came down with a fever our very first night here. This has all been too much of a strain on her tiny body and soul. She needs to hibernate and do absolutely nothing for a while. It's been three long nights of sitting up in motherly vigil. She's sick in the sort of way that leaves me sitting up into the morning, holding her just so, for hours on end, just to let her rest. Every 40 minutes or so, she'll cry out in pain and I'll slip her some more aconite and sooth her back to sleep. I miss her sweet smiley self. I'm eager for her to reemerge out of this cloud of illness.

I'm finding the house to be very beautiful. Though it doesn't completely eliminate it, it does somewhat cushion the blow of loosing our home. I think we have a chance at being very happy here.


In those rare moments when Màiri is resting peacefully, I'm devoting my time to getting to know this place; exploring the nooks and crannies, observing it's different moods, it's various quirks and idiosyncrasies, the way the light moves across it throughout the day...


The house is a traditional New England cape, built in the 1790's, rich in charm and history. It certainly has a lot of character.


I had forgotten how noisy a house with things can be! The water pump, the washed and dryer running, the dishwasher. My ears aren't used to the sound of modern life. Oh, but I do so welcome the chance to acclimate!


I had thought that once we landed, I would immediately spring into action, preparing for the holidays. So far, all I've managed to muster is a bit of knitting around Màiri while she sleeps. As she starts to feel better, I'm sure the rest will come too. I look forward to getting out to explore the land and town here and getting to know our new community. But for now, the quiet home bound pace that this little girl has set for us, is right where we need to be.

Moving Day

All the important stuff is packed and we're heading out. Wish us luck!

Home

Home for her is being wrapped in a woolen blanket, made by Mama or Me-Mom.

It's diaper changes on a sheepskin by the fire and knowing that every day, Daddy will come and let her snatch his baseball cap.

Home is peek-a-boo under play silks when she's fussy, with a different face appearing each time.

Home is the sound of the wind in the trees, the sound of children running, stomping, singing, laughing...


Home is waking up to smiles and kisses, joining hands with everyone for a blessing at mealtimes and snuggling under a down comforter between Mama and Daddy at night.

Home is a belly full of warm milk and sips of tulsi-rose tea from mama's teacup.

Home is knowing that whenever the world gets too big or too scary, there is always a spot, just for her, on mama's back.

Home is where she nuzzles her sleepy head behind the curtain of my hair.


Home is lullabies lovingly sung in boyish falsetto.

Home is balls of yarn to tangle and chase.

Home is the rhythm of a rocking chair, a nursery rhyme, a steady pat.

Home is a candle lit at dinner time.

Home is dreams and prayers softly spoken at the drowsy hours of twilight and dawn.


This blanket is the knitting project that was featured in my banner early in autumn. It's one of the free patterns from the Project Linus site. The yarn is Cascade Eco+, left over from this project and that extra skein that accidentally found it's way home with me back in February.

snapshot (s)

What to do when most of your toys are packed.

Letting Go

As you might imagine, we are doing a lot of letting go these days. Letting go of certain hopes and dreams, letting go of ideas about how our life would be, letting go of projects, once started, never to be finished.

But there is also a lot of every day letting go (clearly illustrated by my serving lunch an hour later then usual today, lunch being....popcorn) and letting go on a more seasonal scale.

This letting go thing is not something that I am skilled at! In fact, at this moment, I am still in denial. Just last night, I was at the fabric store, buying the last bit of fabric I need to make robes for the kids (knock, knock, knock), to go over Christmas pajamas that I still haven't started yet (knock), all while Steve stands idly by, shaking his head (uh, Crazy Mommy? Is that you????). He knows better, but he also knows better then to try to convince me to give it up before I'm good and ready. The best he can do is wait for the train wreck and help to pick up the pieces when it comes. Poor fella.

I have made some concessions though. And I've required some of others. Last week the scene was in the yarn store. I needed one little thing and both Iain and Elijah declared that while we were there, they absolutely *must* get supplies for Christmas gifts.

Picture if you will, me running back and forth between two different aisles, trying to counsel two different boys, on the two different scarves, that they've separately and secretly, decided to make for each other. All while trying to keep Galen from emptying out all the buttons on the button display (Steve was sitting this one out in the car with a sleeping babe).

Time for a reality check. Ok, gentlemen, everyone come here to me! (by the button display so that Galen can amuse himself with supervision) Here's the deal. Christmas is in *counts off the days*, in that time we are moving and trying to *rattles off the list of things aiming to be accomplished*, there is no possible way for you to make everything you wish to make, entirely in secret. So, how's about, just for this one year you guys just tell each other what you are making for one another and that way you can help each other pick out the yarn and work on them together.

Quite thankfully, they agreed.

This is the scene that I came down to, a mere two days later...


These two are funny with their hand crafts. They might not show a lot of interest for a while, and then they'll go through a phase where it's all knitting (or sewing, or crochet...) all the time.

Elijah finished up his garter stitch "Gryffindor" scarf for Iain in 3 days. Now I just need to find the time to sit down and show him how to work in the ends.

And Iain is still chugging along with his "scarf to match Elijah's new coat". He's working it in seed stitch and it's a lot wider then the scarf Elijah made, so it's taking a little longer.

He came to me the day after we bought the yarn and said, "My yarn looks so pretty, all laid out at the foot of my bed, I could just take a picture!" So of course I handed him the camera! I guess for all of his being like he's father, in some ways he's an awful lot like me as well!

I might just have to show him how to adjust the white balance.

It seems Elijah got in on the action too...


And on the subject of letting go, obviously, regular posting here has slipped by the wayside. We move on Thursday, so I'd imagine that these last few days here and a handful of days or so on the other side are going to be hit or miss, but I'm sure I'll be stopping in from time to time.

Thanksgivings Past

This Thanksgiving, I found myself thinking a lot about my second ever post; our first Thanksgiving in the Little House. Three years and 604 posts later and we have a different baby at our table this year. While packing over the weekend, I came across the sweater that Iain was wearing in the photo from that post. I pulled it out to try on Galen. It was small on Iain in that picture, that was probably the last time he wore it, and it's big on Galen now, but a close enough fit that it's worth keeping out.


So, so much has changed in that time. Too much really.
~photo by Elijah~


Thanksgiving was the first holiday that we shared together in this house and if all goes as planned, it will be the last.


I guess that kind of brings us full circle and I'm not really sure what more to say about that. I don't think that there will ever be another Thanksgiving that feels so profound as that first one here. I hope and pray that I'll always appreciate what I have. That I will always be grateful.


As I sit here typing and thinking of all of this, I have a quiet hope, for a quiet and contented life. One where I never forget the joy of wellness, of life and of health, of family and togetherness, but my hope for our future is one of kindly whispered reminders; not the stark, cold reality of nearly loosing everything to really learn it's worth. A few years of calm and peace. Let us never forget. Let us always know our blessings. Oh, but gently please, gently.

Burning the midnight oil...

Another in a string of late nights, surrounded by boxes just beginning to be packed, trying to track down Christmas presents (and still debating where to have them sent), setting some time aside each night to knit away on Iain's sweater, and then fill in the blank with whatever else needs to be done to get us through the following day/week/month. I have a feeling that there will be many more nights like this before all is said and done.


Tonight I'll be working on the sewing project that I started last night and need finished for tomorrow. But today, today, is Fair Day. Every one's looking forward to it. I've just set the crock pot with a stew since we'll be gone all day....late veggies from the farm, some local grass fed beef, kombu, some beef broth I made earlier in the week, a bit of red wine. The house will smell so good when we get back and it will be such a relief not to have to worry about dinner. Now I'm working on filling up a bag with food to eat out....green crispies, toasted almonds, frozen blueberries, leftover chicken, a bit of squash, bananas with carob dip, and whatever else I can think of between now and the time we leave. It was really a lot easier to go places back when we could eat out!

I think this season is going to be a practice in moderation for me. I'm going to have a lot of letting go to do to ensure that Crazy Mommy doesn't rear her ugly head. As it is, Steve's had to talk me down a couple of times already (and I haven't even mentioned that notion floating around in the back of my mind of making an entire quilt for Iain before his birthday).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got called away from this post this morning, and now I'm coming back to it at the end of the day (or, well, technically, very early the next morning). The Fair was nice. It's seemed somehow smaller and less impressive this year. I did a bit of holiday shopping, somewhat at Steve's urging, as he's all but convinced me that I really can't make all of the children's gifts this year (I'll admit defeat in not making them all, but I'm still holding out on at least making some).

I got Galen a beautiful little wooden cutting board. I'm so excited to think about how much easier it will be for him to help me in the kitchen once we move into the next house! I got some lovely plant dyed wool for his birthday crown as well. And a duck! Oh, I couldn't resist the life-sized stuffed duck. He's still all about the domesticated fowl. Funny, funny boy. Sadly, I smuggled it home, only to discover that the repurposed sweater that it's made out of still smells like perfume! Bah humbug. It's on the porch at the moment. I left Steve (who is a very early riser), a note asking him to bring it in and hide it in the morning. Maybe if we keep up with the nightly airings it will be ok in time for Christmas??

Darn. And I thought I was doing so well.

Feeling nostalgic tonight....

Remember when I first posted this picture?

It was nearly a year ago now. Amanda (of SouleMama)'s post this morning about the days leading up to her baby's birth, had me searching back through my photos and pulling up old blog posts. Our babies were actually due around 2 weeks apart, but they ended up being over 6 weeks apart!


My goodness, looking at this big, big belly of mine, I often joke that my 5' 0" self did not properly think through the marrying of my 6' 4" husband! These babies of mine have nowhere to go but out (though it sure takes them long enough to *actually* come out). I can still make out the traces of henna on my belly from my blessingway. I think at some point, when I have actual walls perhaps, I'll have to frame one of these, just to have, to remind myself of that sweet time. I can't believe it's been nearly a year now. I'm really amazed by that fact. And humbled by it too; wanting to cherish each and every moment all the more carefully.


This last one always makes me laugh.
It's obviously not fancy or pretty, just a picture that Iain took one night when I was 41 weeks, 3 days along and oh. so. ready. Galen wanted a picture of his belly too (that's why his shirt's up), and then he decided to steal my nose. I think it's one of my favorite moments in time that was ever captured.

My camera broke, we've all been sick, I might be moving,

and several members of my family are currently in my freezer along with the Virgin Mary.

These are my excuses for my general lack of posting here for the last week or so, though I imagine that the last one, rather then explaining anything, just raises more questions.

We're not sure what happened with the camera. I just know that I found it broken on the floor, at the end of a day when we had had 11 children in and out of the house. I'm not concerned about how it happened, just sad to have lost it. But Steve always, always takes care of me and makes sure that I have things of this sort that he knows I consider Most Important. Pictures of my babies and pictures of our house in our last days in it being high priorities at the moment. He came home with a box for me last night and I now have a camera at hand once again.

The sick is kind of obvious as we, just like everyone else I know, have been passing around various illnesses without break.

Which brings me to the moving part. I may well be tempting fate by posting this here, but I think we may have found a house. This is the third time now that we thought we were moving and something came up at the last minute both times before. We're supposed to be signing the lease today with taking over the house as of the first of December (though we probably won't move until later that week). The house isn't ideal, but it seems like it will keep us well enough and it's quite charming.

The move itself is coming upon us rather suddenly, as this has only just been settled in the last day or two. I've spent the batter part of a week now of two minds; one worrying about things like finding a way to insulate under the house before snow flies and the other trying to remember little things like being sure to copy down the ages and heights marked off in the doorway of our old pantry, before we leave it forever, all the while never knowing which was the more practical and useful line of thought.

As for the sordid contents of my freezer, well it's not actually sordid, thrilling, or otherwise interesting at all really. Still, it's kind of odd to have my great grandmother looking up at me while I'm searching for some berries. I have a few important family photos tucked in there, ones that we felt we had a good chance at saving or ones that are very important to us; ones that we're willing to take a chance for. The theory goes that 6 straight weeks of being frozen will kill any mold spores that may have survived our cleaning.

Moving means that we finally have to face the old house; to go through the process of sorting through the remains of our former life. It's long sad work that makes me ill in both body and heart.

The Virgin Mary is just an old memorial card. My Grandmother's actually. My mother and my aunts made sure that they used a Madonna and Child. They wanted a mother and baby on it. My grandmother loved babies.

On the back it has an Irish Blessing. You know the one...

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

May the rain fall soft upon your fields,

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I don't know why, but right now it's a comfort to me. I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately. Years ago I put it in a little frame, though I rather regret that decision now. I clipped the edges to make it fit and now part of the Irish Blessing is missing.

I think I need not to be a mother today. Just for a little while. Trying to process my own emotions while continuing to "hold the space" for them so that they can feel and express all that they are going through at this point, well I'm finding the two to be incompatible. They're too much, I'm too much, we're far too much all together. Sometimes I wish I could just step aside from that reality, just for a bit. Not to be rid of them, but for their benefit. A place free of teething babies, rebellious preschoolers, sibling negotiations, and children mourning, where I can begin to comprehend how we are going to navigate the holidays, the birthdays, the plays and concerts, all the preparations, all of the crafting, all of the packing and living that needs to happen in the next 47 days, all while moving house. And what's more, finding a way to meet all of that with the grace and beauty that they deserve.

But there is no way to step aside, to gather my wits, to catch my breath. I just have to steep in it and muddle my way through and hope for the best.

Walk Softly

Walk Softly towards the dawn,
Bow to the rising sun,
Breathe the morning,
Wake to the bright and early air.

~Shea Darian, "Seven Times the Sun"

Please excuse the mess....

I'm in the midst of a major blog redesign and overhaul, so things might look a bit funky here today!

I'll be back with a regular post either later tonight or tomorrow morning!

Sunday

Iain and Elijah had their first public choral performance this weekend at a beautiful old church. I've always been drawn to the architecture of churches; the variations over the course of history and differences from denomination to denomination. The boys had to be there early to rehearse, so I got to spend some time poking around; checking out the artwork and noticing all the details that one might not otherwise see.

It turned out to be a stunning autumn day, far beyond expectations. Once we were certain that the big boys were settled, I suggested taking the little ones to the toy store up the road and buying a ball to toss around. So we got to take a nice walk to the store and back to the park.


Galen picked out a ball with a solar system theme. I thought it was a good choice considering his brothers' planet obsession. Plus, he's been asking me to make him a sun for his birthday and I've never been quite sure what that means. But he seemed to feel that this met that need, so shweew, I'm off the hook!

He also spotted a pin wheel, that somehow got added on to our purchase and pleased him to no end. It may very well have been the best $1.95 I've ever spent.

Little Rosebud was ever so delighted with the new toys as well. She was hilarious with the ball; rolling it around and chasing it where ever it went. Poor girl, she would no sooner come within five feet of the person in possession when it would be tossed again and she'd have to crawl off in the other direction!

After a while, Galen wasn't so keen on sitting and rolling it with her and developed a tendency towards walking away with it once she rolled it. Wee though she is, a certain Little Miss has indeed noticed this te

snapshots: this moment

bottom of the fifth

Them: pleased with themselves for talking their way into staying up late.

Me: cramming for Halloween


Her: doing her very best to follow my lead.


Them: searching the stations, trying to find the game, keep the game, get back to the game; playing yahtzee at the slow parts and commercials.


Littlest Him: creeping down through the night. "I can't hear up there!"

All lights on long into the dark. So much for bedtimes. Yawns are stifled.

Them: pretending they know what they're talking about

Us: trying not to show our laughter to them

Me: ushering Littlest Him to lay down, "You can stay and listen, but you must stay tucked up!"

Littlest Him: sneaking away to hide under the table and hoping that I won't notice his little self.

There will be sleepy heads in this house tomorrow. But tonight makes me smile. Tonight makes me laugh. It's so very full of home and life and family. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow.

notes from the chocolatier

Otherwise known as my kitchen or, more accurately, my oven tucked under the stairs. It’s true, I’m like the culinary Harry Potter. When I run out of room on the cook top, I balance plates and things on the trashcan lid. Thankfully there are fewer spiders, although, with the stairs above being unfinished, people sometimes accidentally kick dirt into the food below.

It is here that I've been experimenting with making my own raw chocolates, in preparation for the holiday season. I was looking for something a little more exciting for Halloween treats this year. It turns out that children do reach an age where they are less then wowed by raisins and popcorn. Not that anyone's complaining really, I just think they would be delighted by something more.

Clearly this batch came out of the molds too soon. I think I’m going to choose to blame the kids for this one. That’s right, it was the kids who were impatient. Uh-huh.

They may look a little funky, but taste tests have confirmed them to be simply divine. In fact, my children have deemed it the best chocolate they've ever had. Granted, their experience in this area isn't terribly extensive, but still... Made of antioxidant rich, organic raw cacao butter and powder and sweetened with agave nectar, they are far more innocent then their commercial counterparts.

I do love chocolate and even strongly crave it from time to time, but I'm not one of those people who has to have it every day. Something about these is so extremely satisfying that it only takes one or two and I'm content; so not the case with conventional candy. Did I just say candy?!?!? Oh, my, no, but this is not candy! It's CHOCOLATE in the fullest sense.

The smell of it permeates our home. It scents my hair, my skin tastes of it; it's all very rich and decadent and sensual you know! Can you tell that I'm immensely enjoying playing 'Chocolat'? Oh, yes. All the same, I don't think that it will be a regular thing, more of a couple times of year, special occasion type ritual. I'm thinking that chocolate making would be a popular addition to our advent activities and since starting all this, I've been dying to make chocolate covered strawberries...hmmm....Valentine's Day?

Sewing Decisions

I'm having some issues with uploading pictures to my blog at the moment. So, the post that I had planned for this morning is just going to have to wait until I get it all figured out.

Meanwhile....I am sitting here typing and nearly alone. It's just me and the babe for the next couple of hours (bless that husband of mine for taking on the back to back dentist's appointments of three little boys), which is as close as you get to alone in a family of 6. Sewing somehow seems the thing to do. I've been out of the habit and need to get to it again. For some reason the starting is always the hardest part for me. The question is, do I work on Halloween costumes, which can be worked on out in the open any old time OR do I start in on some of the winter holiday sewing that I have to do on the sly. Logic (and the calendar) would dictate the Halloween costumes. First things first, right? But logic very rarely wins out for me in these situations...as I observed last night, when I stayed up late to work on a sweater for a February birthday, despite the fact that I've yet to so much as cast on for the projects that need to be complete 9 days from now. Yes, knitting work is required. Again. I am indeed, undeniably ridiculous. It's true.

And there is always the possibility that I may just scoop up this baby girl of mine and spend the rest of the day playing with her. Of course, if I do that, there will be no dinner for the tired grumpy people when they come home expecting their dinner. So maybe that's not the best option. It sure *sounds* like the best option though.

Well, whatever it ends up being, I better go do something!

Hopefully I'll be able to figure things out and there will be a picture post in just a bit. Until then I hope that you enjoy whatever it is that *you* happen to be doing!

In the Month of October

We're having a cozy sort of day around here, with chicken stock simmering on the stove, banana cake baking and a steady fire chasing off the chill (we're expecting snow tonight!). All I really want to do is go work on a quilt, but there is still school work to be done, and an assortment of other chores, but maybe later, if I'm lucky.

Some other things that I'm enjoying this month...


~Another beautiful autumn in New England. It never grows old.

~all of the delicious foods that this season brings along with it.

::Indian pudding about to go into the oven::

~still lovin' this boy in his new glasses. He looks so old! And ssssssoooo much like his daddy.

~loving this boy and the joy he finds in music; that I hear his little voice singing from all corners of the house, at all hours of the day.

~really getting into the planning for the coming holiday season. I've just about finished shopping for our extended family and I'm delighted with everything I found.

~this scarf that my friend Mardi made for me after Màiri was born. I pretty much alternate every other day between this one and my cowl. This is my melody scarf. Not My Melody, *my* melody, that's the name of the colorway. All of the yarns I've ever come across bearing the name 'melody' have always been repulsive concoctions of say, puce, magenta, neon orange, and hot pink or something equally repugnant. But this one is just lovely, with lots of green, which always makes me happy. And she knitted it up so prettily. Very pleasing indeed.

~and speaking of green gifts, you have to see this sweet little pouch that Tai Marie of Small Wonders sent me...
I love it so much! The green, the doily, all of it. I won her giveaway for this fabulous rainbow crown, which is going in the Christmas stocking of one fabulous rainbow loving boy, and she slipped this into the package just for me.

I have to give you a little peek at the inside too...
see those darling little birds? And the fabulous little Nikki McClure note cards?

~And back to that lacy doily, and lace in general, I just bought a bit to trim some winter nighties for my Wee Girl. I'm on a lace kick at the moment and I'm just giddy (giddy I tell you!) at having an excuse to buy some.

~and as for that rainbow loving boy, well I'm still loving our weekly one on one craft time. The rainbow bird is coming along!


~and this little munchkin, well...don't even get me started! Right now I'm really enjoying watching her get out and explore the world. She's been crawling for quite a while now, but she's really getting around these days and pulling herself up on everything and just having a grand old time.


That and watching her trying to eat an apple. It's just the cutest thing ever. And I know that that picture above is blurry, but she was so excited and happy that I had to include it.


~I don't suppose I need to mention knitting, do I? No, I think that probably warrants an entire post unto itself.